MALL SANTA

Hate My Life Santa (minus our teenager who REFUSES Santa)

Smoke Break Santa

The other day I noticed on face book a mom's simple request, "does anyone know where there is a non-scary Santa ..." I don't know this person and can only assume she is a new parent. A seasoned veteran parent knows that Santa, like clowns, entertains some and scares the hell out of others. But there is rarely if ever a "non scary" Santa. However, there WILL always be parents, like myself, dedicated to making memories at any cost. We train kids all year to not talk to strangers, certainly don't sit in their lap, but hey if an elf leads the way to a fat guy in a suit of red, this is a memory kid, SIT ON HIS LAP AND SMILE!

I was a dedicated new mom. Dedicated to overachieving mommyhood by accomplishing every unwritten rule of overachieving mother's everywhere. Oh, there would be visits to Santa and overpriced pictures, and they would be ADORABLE dammit. Not unlike the memo nobody shared with me during my first pregnancy that "recovery from having a baby is a nasty, gross mess", I also missed the memo regarding annual Santa visits. ADORABLE comes with a price. So to you new mom's looking for the non scary Santa, here's the memo you need that I never got:

Bribed/Threatened Year

First, let's talk about Santa. My oldest is 17 and my youngest is 3. I've seen some Santa's in my day. Be prepared. Be prepared to sit your kids on the lap of a stranger you would normally steer clear. Because there is some scary Santa nonsense out there. I don't know what it takes to be one of Santa's "helpers", but I can only guess it creates what I've seen. The best Santa's were during our time living overseas with the military. In no particular order, "mini bottle drunken Santa", followed by "smoke break lung spasms phlegm in the beard Santa". This leads me to my next piece of advice.

Go ahead new mom. Dress up your kid to the nines, pep talk them days before you're going to actually see Santa. Let them know how magical it will be. Do all these things, but know this .. when you are standing in that line (oh, and you WILL stand in line for at least an hour,so pack a snack or a flask) your kid will start to panic. They will panic because they are bored. They will panic because they are tired of standing in line. They may meltdown all together and throw themselves on the filthy ground ruining all of your weeks of picking the perfect outfit and curling and combing their hair just right. They will look like hell by the time you get to Santa's lap. Just accept this now. 

"Help me, HELP ME!!!"

Panic. The manic panic you see your child display while in line is NOTHING compared to what will happen when you actually get close to Santa. When an Elf (again, let's discuss what it takes to be a mall Elf, enough said) greets your child the reality of their situation suddenly becomes terrifyingly real as they catch a glimpse of the kids 4 places ahead of them in line ... screaming ... on Santa's lap. I promise you there is not one cohesive thought in their head past, "HELP!!!!!!" So, prepare. You're going to have to talk your kid off the ledge if you want that ADORABLE Santa moment. What you're about to embark on is easier than a days work as a hostage negotiation specialist. You're going to talk your kid through the fear of Santa.

First, does Santa look drunk? He probably is, use that. Softly explain to your child how happy Santa looks. Ignore the fact that Santa just slurred his "ho ho ho Mewwwwy Chrismass!!" to the kids three places in front of you. He's jolly, he's probably been pee'd on today, he probably has a slow drip IV of his own holiday cheer just to get through it. Back to your kid. Your kid is going to notice the baby now two spaces in front of you. They will notice the dutiful, well meaning mom dropping her baby into drunk Santa's lap ... and they will notice the baby scream in terror. Redirect! Redirect! Turn their focus onto the pretty Christmas lights at the mall, point out the coloring books and cheap lollipops Santa gives to everyone AFTER a sit in the lap. Just REDIRECT!

Drunk Scary Santa ... Happy Holidays!

You're next in line. Your child is now demonstrating full meltdown. They can't do it. No way. The won't do it. They whine, they pull out the, "I have to go potty RIGHT NOW!" card, they grab your leg and act like you're sending them to the worst place on earth. REDIRECT! Get on their level, grab their chubby little cheeks, force a smile (after all, you've been standing in this damn line for an hour, the prize is RIGHT THERE and there is no way you are losing your place in line), and bribe them. I'm not proud of this, but you bribe them or scare them. Either tell them Santa's not coming or they're getting a new toy after enduring this whole debacle so suck it up soldier.

The Elf. It's your time. Finally, your kid who looks like a hot mess from the 15 standing in line tantrums and who is now suffering mild PTSD is taken by the hand by a mall elf and escorted to Santa's drunken lap. Shout words of encouragement as they look back at you in complete distress. "It's okay, isn't this awesome, it's SANTA!" They may fight. Be prepared. You may have to step in with the mall elf and physically sit your kid on Santa's lap and scream, "take the picture NOW!" as you step out of the way for the microsecond it takes for the flash to click. Memory made.

Finally, be prepared to skimp on Christmas this year because you certainly can't take your own photo, you have to BUY them from the Elves. And the Elves ... Santa may be drunk, but they are all business. Never, never, I repeat NEVER try and take your own photo. One year we happened upon a very nice Santa. My parents happened to be visiting from across the country, and the very sweet Santa asked if they would like to take a picture of their own since they would not be there for Christmas. My parents gratefully obliged ... followed by an IRATE Elf who instantly started screaming and pointing at the "do NOT take photos" signs. Words were said, gestures were made, and since my kids were little I left it with a "Merry Christmas ... Mall Elf!" (oh, and a letter to the mall of New Hampshire about their craptastic mall elf).

I digress. Memory has been made, your kid is now sucking on their cheap lollipop/candy cane in a delirious PTSD sort of "what the hell just happened" sort of demeanor and you are being escorted like a line of cattle to the "photo counter". You will be presented with 1-3 photos and several photo "packages". Each photo will be worse than the next and you will be EXPECTED as a GOOD PARENT to purchase one of these terrible pictures. The Elves will look down on you when you opt out of the $250 1 8x10, 1 5x7, 5 wallets package of horrible photos and rather defer to the cheapest package. 1 single 5x7 for $30. And as a friendly suggestion, don't let your husband open his mouth during the transaction. Mine likes to say in his "he thinks he's whispering but everyone can hear him" voice, "just get the 5x7, it's easy to copy at home." It only leads to an angry elf slamming your picture into the frame and without so much as a shove the candy cane up your butt goodbye you are unceremoniously handed your photo and gestured to leave the counter.

You walk away, kids all hyped up on sugar suffering from PTSD and you feel a little dirty, a little stupid, and a little ashamed that you just paid $30 for one really bad picture. Then the next year rolls around and you take out that really bad picture from the previous year and you insist this tradition must continue no matter how weird. The bonus? The cost of the photo has gone up a few dollars this year. HAPPY HOLIDAYS.