Pediatrician Turned Glove Slapper

You have not lived in this lifetime until your kids pediatrician says to you, "do you want to roll over on your side or stand up and bend over for this" as he's slapping on a pair of gloves staring at you butt naked sans fashion forward medical paper dress. It started with being exhausted ... what mom is not exhausted? It led into a potential diagnosis of internal bleeding and the man who was once the kids pediatrician seeing a whole new side of the woman who created his little patients. And ...

A few months ago I went to the clinic and had some labs drawn because I've been exhausted. Results: I am not a vampire, I am anemic, duh. Not new news. The nurse who calls me, and before revealing the lab results, asks me if I have massive internal bleeding.  Worse, I actually looked down at my body to take a visual overhaul to answer her assanine question.  I should have hung up ... but I, an apparent victim to the best of Utah County healthcare, just HAD to stay on the line to allow herself to continue being an idiot and me continuing to listen and respond. 

I posted this babble on my FB and got several responses back about a cure all for what ails me along with several pm's.  Most began and ended with, "you need an IV iron infusion." Cool, easy.  I like easy. But I didn't have time for easy because it was almost Christmas vacation and I had a magical Christmas to create with story book memories. So the idiot nurse, the doctor with a medical license from the internet (apparently, what else could explain this rampant stupidity?), and my anemia would have to wait until it was convenient... post holidays.

I did NOT go back to the same doctor, I did go back to the same clinic for 2 reasons.  A) they already have my lab results B) a rheese monkey, (notice I said rheese, they are they SMART sign language monkeys) or a porpoise (one that can clap out yes or no and make a sound on cue) can figure this out and order a stupid iv iron infusion for my anemia. Cue my kids pediatrician, (who is NOT a monkey or porpoise, but IS super casual and he knows me beyond my epic low iron lab results), and is NOW in family practice at this particular clinic so he can see ALL of us. 

I schedule with him.  He walks in and first thing out of his mouth, "Cortney, what is going on with these labs! This is really low iron levels."  Yeah, agreed.  So we discuss. I matter-of-factly stated, "so I've researched this, I've been anemic since pregnancy #3, it hasn't gone away or gotten better with iron supplements, I have 4 boys (as you know) and when the mom is off her game, the power shifts and the boys will take over.  He knows all of my boys, he knows I speak truth.  Here is the problem.  Outside of your standard already done blood draw labs, there has to be ANOTHER lab assuring there isn't any internal bleeding before they can order an iron infusion. I don't know the exact technical term for said exam, but I know the mere mention of the process sent the "kids pediatrician now family doctor" into giggles as he tried to remain professional.

A rectal exam. Excuse me? Oh really? Really? We're back to this internal bleeding nonsense are we? I suggested to the pediatrician now gone family practice that as long as he bought me dinner post exam, this would all be okay. The next thing I know I am disrobing, putting on my fancy paper dress, and attempting to cover up as I hear the gentle tap on the door, "uh, you ready?" Was this my wedding night? Was this where the pediatrician and I took it to the next level? I've had 4 kids, two of them at teaching hospitals. Many medical professionals have seen me in less than stellar legs spread wide lady Victoria out for the world to see positions. But this ... the kids pediatrician? Never this.

How does one exactly respond to that phrase. Accordingly, I suppose, and so I said, "Well, what do you prefer?" Pediatrician says, "Well, I guess stand up and bend over." Again, I respond accordingly, "That's what they all say, I hope you're buying me dinner after this." He giggled and assured me that "seriously, it's not that big of a deal, I do these all the time, (all the time, excuse me? wait, focus, don't move, pediatrician is about to make his move) okay, you might feel some pressure." I said, "well, I certainly hope so." He giggled. I continued, "excuse me if I can never look you in the eye again when I bring the kids in for any medical care."  He laughs, I was rather vulnerable so I didn't really laugh har har ho ho funny.

"Okay, we're all done, see it wasn't that bad?" giggles the pediatrician. "Um hum. Well, digits being stuck up my chooch hole is never really a great time for anyone, but you were quite the gentleman." Pediatrician reassured me this was not a big deal and not to be embarrassed because it's "medical" (uh-huh). He wraps up the conversation, tells me he will be back in a second, and just before he walks out the door winks and says, "hurry and get dressed so we can go to dinner." Bwahahaha! 

A few months later, hubs starts complaining about a hernia or something. Since we all now see the same family doctor ... stay with me, this gets better. Hubs schedules an appointment a few weeks later and my special relationship with the family doctor suddenly turns into a menage a trois of sorts. While I was not there to witness the pediatrician turned family doctor handling hubs business in the name of science, I had the startling realization that the poor, poor pediatrician has now touched the nether regions of every single person in our family. It started with the boys and making sure their parts were in proper parts locale, settled into a finger up the mom's chooch hole, and ended with a grab and roll of the man of the pack.

The end of this story is I do not have internal bleeding (alert the press, weird I know). I am anemic, not a vampire. The boys parts are in proper alignment, hubs hernia is a non issue. We love our pediatrician turned family doctor. He's amazing, caring and has a sense of humor that this crew desperately needs when it comes to medical care. So thanks Dr. M. Oh, and you still owe me dinner.