ATTENTION: COST TO SERVICES
Dear Members of Casa Eldridge,
As of late it has come to the attention of management that membership and invited guests are increasingly unaware of the high cost of Casa Eldridge amenities. Until this time, membership enjoyment of the services offered at Casa Eldridge has come with minimal skill set required. This has been beneficial to members and their invited guests considering the maximum skilled worker amongst you has an eighth grade education and a preschool sense of entitlement. At this time, you have pushed management to the verge of mental extinction. Given that all of you will require some semblance of mental acuity via management (lest you die trying to fend for yourselves), it is required that management clarify the importance of the inner working dynamic of Casa Eldridge. A fee structure is listed below:
SNACKS – there will now be a fee for all snacks. Until this time, Casa Eldridge has provided a large variety of free snacks for its members and their invited guests. However, the cost of this service has rendered unfavorable to management given the high cost of maintenance.
1) Cost of actual snack food versus consumption rate: The rate of consumption for snacks is as follows: Snacks purchased on Sunday are typically consumed completely by Tuesday evening. On average, snacks include the following:
CHIPS 20ct
|
$8.99
|
Crackers (12ct x 3)
|
$16.47
|
Juice Boxes (10 ct x 2)
|
$5.00
|
Mountain Dew 12ct
|
$3.49
|
Fruit Snacks (20ct x 2)
|
$6.49
|
Tortilla Chips 2 bags
|
$5.00
|
TOTAL COST
|
$45.44/3 days $15.15 per day
|
2) Housekeeping – Casa Eldridge has warned members and invited guests repeatedly that eating snack food outside of appointed areas is strictly prohibited.
Members and their guests seem to have taken residence in the finished basement of Casa Eldridge wherein snacks are consumed and wrappers, crumbs, etc. are strewn randomly. The furniture is apparently mistaken for pieces of rugby team gym equipment. While Casa Eldridge appreciates the vigor of members and invited guests, the throwing of actual couches while simultaneously growling in testosterone laden contentment is strictly prohibited.
As well, staining of the carpets at Casa Eldridge has occurred as a result of haphazard behavior by members and their invited guests spilling their “dew” and/or “juice boxes” while testosterone inducing behaviors occur. A new resident in the form of bugs and rodents have taken residence in Casa Eldridge. Whereas the latter are not welcome, an extermination fee is included in the costs. The following charges are a result:
SERVICE
|
UNSKILLED LABOR
|
SKILLED LABOR
|
YEARS EXPERIENCE
|
AVERAGE COST/week
|
Housekeeping
|
15,994.00
|
41,982.00
|
38
|
$807.35
|
Nanny
|
450/wk
|
**800/wk
|
30
|
$11,760.00
|
Pest Control
|
$50/month
|
$50
|
-
|
$12.50
|
Carpet Cleaning
|
$150/month
|
$150
|
-
|
$37.50
|
TOTAL COST
|
*$12,617.35/month
|
*figures based on current rates of skilled/unskilled workers and average cost determination on national scale rate
**this is for an assumed 40-50 hour work week. Considering the nanny services at Casa Eldridge are highly skilled, and in service 24/7, the work week is averaged to be 168 hours at an average cost of $20/hr per 2 members. There are 4 daily members of Casa Eldridge, and an average of 3 invited guests totaling 7. $20/hr per 2 members/7 average $70/hr x 168 hours
3) Casa Eldridge is happy to provide our members and guest with a new pool addition to our lovely resort. However, pool services are not without cost. Cost as listed below:
Cleaning
|
$300/month
|
Chemicals
|
$100/month
|
Deck side services (laundry, maintaining patio appearance (picking up your crap)
|
$100/month
|
TOTAL COST
|
$125/week
|
SERVICE
|
COST
|
AVERAGE
|
Giving birth to you (members EXISTENCE)
|
My body, part of my sanity, all of my heart
|
FREE
|
General Maintenance of members
|
Feeding, clothing, housing
|
FREE
|
General Entertainment Fund
|
x-box games, computer, cable, pool, vacations, lessons, education, teams, movies, toys, etc. etc. etc.
|
FREE
|
5) Finally, it was discovered last evening that the newest residents of Casa Eldridge (bugs and rodents) as secondary to behaviors by members and their invited guests, may indeed have the potential to send members and/or invited guests to the emergency room (potential for spider bites, mice invading current snack supply, etc.). Any event will most likely require an emergency rather than standard care visit.
At the current rate of the memberships insured policy, this will cost $75. Invited guests have the potential to sue members at a rate potential astronomically magnified in attorney fees, cancellation of homeowners policies, etc. The following totals are in place:
SERVICE
|
WEEKLY
|
MONTHLY
|
Housecleaning/Nanny/Pest Control/Carpet Cleaning
|
3154.00
|
12616.00
|
Snacks
|
106.05
|
424.20
|
ER visit
|
75.00
|
75.00
|
TOTAL
|
$3335.05
|
$13,115.20
|
Management will consider all totals to be payable equal to daily snack consumption. Given the fact that members are already offered a deeply discounted rate for existence on the planet, their behavior and that of their invited guests as if the world owes them something more will be calculated at a rate of current consumption versus supply to maintain current amenities:
Chips
|
$144.28/bag
|
Crackers
|
$144.28/pkg
|
Juice Boxes
|
$144.28/box
|
Mountain Dew
|
$144.28/bottle/can
|
Fruit Snacks
|
$144.28/pkg
|
Tortilla Chips
|
$144.28/handful
|
Please note, all payments will be due and payable at time of snack consumption. Sorry, we do not accept checks, credit cards, or whining. Cash service only. Management may consider payment in the form of labor. Please see labor relations management to make individual requests.
Sincerely,
Management, Casa Eldridge
No comments:
Post a Comment