"You're Here in Utah to Be My New BFF"

Uh, I have a BFF.  In my worldly travels I have met 4 women I would call BFF.  They live all over the globe.  They are the four people on the earth that I know if I called for anything they would be on the first flight to rescue me from whatever predicament.  I don't randomly make BFF's.  BFF has criteria in my world, strict criteria, and crazy as hell gets you off the list ... but apparently someone didn't get the memo.

Drew's scout leader came to the house last week to explain the scouting program here, badges, patches, etc. etc.  I still think it is the fleecing of America (do a task, get a badge, pay for a badge at the scout store, have to attend 21 campouts for your eagle, more badges, more cash, I could go one and on but this particular subject I have already blogged on before.  The scout leader seemed nice enough, a little off, but well intentioned and very into his scoutarama.  He told me he was convinced hiswife and I would really hit if off.  Okay, well, have her call sometime.  I was polite.  First mistake.  You can't be polite with crazy.

The next day at noon ding dong at the door (figuratively as in crazyding dong and ding dong as in thesound the door bell makes).  There stands scoutarama's wife, two kids ages 14 and 11 (I think).  Guess they don't know how to work a phone (and if you know me, nothing ticks me off more, call, call, call, it gives mea second to at least decline or put a bra on.  Always call.  I was right in the middle of something, but thought I would be polite enough to sit down with her... the kids went downstairs to watch tv, play the WII, XBOX, whatever, and hour after hour passed.  First one, then two, then six.  Yes, she stayed from noon - 6p.m.  The only reasonshe went home was because Jon came home from work and she figured we could go ahead and havedinner as a family without her family.

The visit:  There needed be 6 hours of vissiting because "Cybil" couldn't seem to settle on one of her many personalitites. In her life (she was a little older than me) she had been a teacher, sherriff, super model (if you saw her your jaw would have been on the floor like my own), and one more think I forget.  Mayby lion tamer, but I'm adding that one for the ridiculousness factor.

She asked if anyone from church had come to visit.  I told her no with the exception of after 2 1/2 months the next door neighbor came over to indtruduce himself as our home teacher (first time I'd met the guy and he's the nextdoor neighbor ... don't get me started), BUT, we were literally walking in the door from Jon's rece3nt vasectomy.  Jon was high as a kite hobbling up the stairs muttering random nonsense and the boys wereasking Jon ifthedoctor cut his balls off.  Their timing could not have been worse. Of course, they wanted to sit and chat at the door.  I finally had to tell them Jon was a danger to himself and others so it was time for me to leave.

This whole story was accompanied by her story.  Apparently 11 years ago her husband had a vasectomy.  He now has (I don't know if this was immediately following the vasecotomy or an old age thing) "performance problems" and has to take a pill ... which gives him a headache ... but really gives her a headache because it takes so excrutiatingly long for "it" to be over with.  Uh, uh, uh. "Well, Jon seems to be fine so for, uh, uh ..." I was stammering for the words to possibly come up after she tells me her husband is impotent and she's sharing this information with an essential stranger!

So, on to her super model days.  She apparently married a millionaire and they had two children.  Therewas an ugly custody battle, people threatening to kill people, including one fellow who wanted her mother to give his kids piano lessons for free so he offered in trade to kill the ex husband.  Uh ... the same ex now flies over her house in his plane (real plane, papaer airplane, not sure) to check in on her because he is obsessed with her and wants to kill her.  She lost custody of the two oldest kids (shocker).  They are now adults.  One ofthem wants to go to school at one of the most prestigious schools in the country, but she wants in state tuition so she asked to use her Mom's Utah address.  I asked which school thinking, "thesearen't exactly honor code chicks, I think BYU frowns on living with your boyfriend".  Her response, "Dixie College."  "Dixie?  Dixie?  Dixie?"  I felt like I was in a new dimension.  Since when did Dixie college become one of the most prestigious schools in the nation?  I repeated, "Dixie?"  "I mean, okay, I can understand if you lived in Massachusetts and your kid wanted to go to Harvard and wanted in state tuition, that makes sense to me ... but Dixie?!"

I don't think she liked my response, butshe continued. "And I told her since she doesn't live with me than NO she could not ue my address because then every school in Utah would know and her kids would not ever be able to get into a college (I think Dixie would let them in) or University since they knew they family was dishonest (my friend suggested only BYU would look at this situation as an immediate honor code violation screwingtheir chances of going to God's school).

Speaking of school ... of course ... she home schools.  But not for most of the other reasons I've heard, "better education, crowded classrooms, more one on one time with the kids ..."  No, she home schools because her 14 year-old moose of a child (we're talking at least 6'2" and well over 230lbs) was threatened by two "no hablas" (my sister in law married to a hispanic guy tells me this is the PC term when referring to other mexicans).  The daughter apparently has some form of tourettes, undiagnosed except by the mom, and her needs aren't being met at the school ... and she slaps at random things in the air if you put a light above her head.  Cool at parties, not cool at school.  So her kids, bullied and disabled.

We then started in on women issues.  Close your ears Cousin Andy.  She told me she had a thyroid problem and was on synthroid.  Oh, me too.  She almost fell off her chair, "I KNOW what's wrong with you!!!!"  Huh, what, get back on your chair lady.  "How are your periods, heavy light ... how many days do they last ... how many days between your cycles?"  WTF?  I said, "uh, they seem normal, all systems working." She infromed me she had no health insurance, but her and the kids saw some holisitc vodoo shaman of sorts that has them hold empty bottles in their hands representing their ailments and then they are cured after some session.  Huh.  Of course you do.

There is so much more to tell ... but I can't possibly fit it into one blog (and yes, while staring at her I thought, "lady, you're gonna need your own blog page because I can't clog up mine with stories about you ... because you are crazy as a jack hare and provide me with to much raw crazy talent").  On a final note, I will say she informed me of one important factor:  Captain AirSoft "so you know I'm a cop, right" up the street, he carries weaponry to church.  A loaded pistol down the back of his concealed back holster, and one down his sock.  She was reconfirming what her husband told me the night before ... but added he is one of about three people packing the heat at church.  Crazy does NOT get to pack heat to church.  I'm asking to be on mandatory greeter pat down duty at the front door.