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| AIR SOFT GUN (notice BRIGHT ORANGE tip) |
There are four facts you must understand so this story makes sense.
1) The above picture is an "airsoft" gun. It is a toy. A toy male teens and 30+ adults D&D, livin in their parents basement and eat dpritos and ding dongs all day, blog, chat, research, and love.
2) Air Soft guns are required to have a large orange tip on the end so they are not confused with "real" guns. This gun above, does it look like a "real" gun to you? I say no, some say yes, some are morons.
3) We have one set of friends here in righteous cloud floating Saratoga Springs., Utah County, Utah. Mike and Jen. Mike works at the prison (I won't say which prison to protect anonymity, but it's in bluffdale). Mike and Jen were the first family to build a house in our neighborhood 4 years ago. Across the street, let's call him "Pat", built his home. "Pat" and Mike already knew one another. "Pat" was a former prison worker with Mike ... and according to Mike, "Pat" cried, daily, because he was a "puss" and the other prison guards found great joy in exposing his lack of machismo at every turn. I did ask, "seriously, he cried EVERY DAY?" Mike said, "Cort, I'm not kidding, every day, it was pitiful and hilarious all at the same time."
4) "Pat" tried for years to get out of the prison system. He applied "everywhere", and was finally employed by the DMV. (I think it's a step above mall cop). He does have an unmarked cop car, with a light. He has been given permission to write tickets if so deemed necessary. He has given a ticket to Mike's wife for running a stop sign ... while his kids were in the back of his cruiser ... as he was taking them to school. Guess those days of crying in the prision are still with him. "Pat" apparently gave alot of tickets while cruising, running errands with the family, in said unmarked cop car. For sure, macho, and his family needs to know. The ticket he gave Mike's wife? Mike handled that. "Pat" no longer uses his unmarked cruiser for family errand time ... and his ticket giving days have been suspended. He's now in charge of driving around looking for stolen cars.
This is a long, but necessary explanation of the REST of the story.
Drew has made one friend here. His name is "Steven". He's a good kid, we like having him around, and he too loves the airsoft guns. One day Steven brings said airsoft gun to the house, and somewhere between shooting and cocking the gun, it was broken, over cocked, or something, and Drew was the last to use it. I entered the scene when the two of them were at the kitchen table trying to super glue the part of the mechanism on the gun back together. Steven seemed "terrified", Drew looked like he was going to lose a friend (he felt horrible). So I asked what happened, etc. "It's a toy guys, don't sweat it." Steven's response, "you don't know my Dad ... you don't know my Dad ..."
It's true. I didn't know his Dad. We had not yet become friends with Mike and Jen. I didn't know Steven's Dad looked like Papa Smurf, cried daily at the prison, worked for the DMV, and had his cruiser privileges revoked. I was "concerned" at Steven's terrified tone over this toy. A kid scared with that phrase ... somethings not okay at home. "Should I call my Dad?" Well, honesty is the best policy in my experience, and if it's really that big of a deal, we can look into replacing the gun.
Steven called his Dad. I hear screaming in the other end of the line. Steven didn't get many words in through the screaming of, "what's wrong with you, not replacing, how dare you, etc." Daddy dearest then hung up on Steven. "You don't know my Dad ... he gave me this gun a year ago and it was $180." Huh. Seconds later Steven's mom calls. She yells the same comments, then hangs up. "You don't know my mom." huh. So apparently his parents were both highly rational people. Minutes later, Jon arrives. "Steven, Jon can fix just about anything, let him try and fix this." Ring, ring, Steven's Dad instructs Steven to come home for dinner. Michael tells him Drew's Dad is trying to fix his gun. Steven's Dad, "Pat" says, "NO! Bring the gun home, now"
So here we stand. I HAD told Steven we COULD replace the toy gun. Drew gets a text from Steven, "when are you going to buy my new gun?" WTH? Jon and I discuss the situation. I want to talk to the parents. Jon doesn't want Drew to lose a friendship over a toy. The saga goes on for weeks. Steven texting Drew, "when are you getting my gun?" and sprinkling in other "what's up" comments. Jon researches said gun. #1 It was recalled 5 years ago for the exact piece that broke when the two of them were playing with it #2 It was recalled, not new a year ago, and brand new it was $50 #3 Someone lies.
I let this simmer. I posted on FB for ideas. Everyone had great ideas. I let it simmer longer. Jon bought a new gun. I didn't agree. Steven has not been given the gun. And as luck would have it three days ago I turned the corner after running some errands and a beam of heavenly light shone down on the front of Michael's house. There was Steven and his Dad, "Pat" working in the front yard. PERFECT opportunity to talk to both of them, get "Pat's" take on the situation, and have Steven confirm or deny his new gun $180 story.
By this point of the situation, I knew of Pat's prison crying DMV cruiser ticket revoking days. I had, however, never seen him in person. I am tall. 5'10". Steven is at least as tall as me. "Pat" on the other hand is no bigger than Papa Smurf ... as I approached his front porch he stood up on the first step I can only assume to put himself into a posturing position wherein he stood only 6" shorter than me rather than a full foot. This was not his smurfiest moment and judging from the size of Michael I could only assume his mother must be a gorilla.
Papa Smurf removed ONE of his ear buds. He was on his "IPOD" listening to tunes. The removal of one ear bud is the same thing my 13 year-old son does to me when he doesn't want to listen to me but wants to act like he is. long story - short version. I introduce myself. Tell "Pat" how much we like Michael, he's a good kid, and we want he and Drew to be friends. Then I launch into, "so the parents' haven't had a chance to talk and I just wanted to see where all of us stand on this situation." In a non smurfy way, Papa Smurf informed me of the following, "well, in our fammmly, we teach our kid that if he breaks sometin belongin' to someone, he replaced it." (these aren't typos, this is real) Okay, this was their parenting style.
I responded, "okay, well, our concern is we jsut want both boys to learn a lesson of responsibility." I then told "Pat" about Jon/s reseach of said gun, recall of said gun, no way said hun was a year old, and brand new 5 years ago it was $50. Pat wasn't having it, but I continued, "Jon has found a similar gun for $50, we've spoken with Drew, and Drew has agreed that he will earn half the cost of the gun to repay the broken gun given the whole situation." Pat repeated his caveman parenting philosophy of toy replacement followed by the following ... hand to God, I can't make this up...
"So you know I'm a cop, right?" Uh, yeah, we're friends with Mike and Jen, so I heard that. (In my head I am thinking about his "cop" status, the crying at the prison, the DMV status, etc. but I held myself together from falling into hysterical laughter.) Pat put both hands on his hips and said, "well, since you know I'm a cop (again, now biting my lip to avoid hysterical laughter), I can tell you that the gun isn't a year old, it's a few years old. It's been sitting in my closet waiting for the time when I thought Michael was old enough to be responsible to use it. Because (again, hand to God I can't make this up), you know, I use this gun in law enforcement." "Uh, you what?" "Well, yeah, you know, when people have this rifle pointing at them they don't know it's not real and they don't want to get shot so they submit." (In my head I am thinking the following: this is a clear, bright orange tipped gun. I know NOTHING about guns, but I know this is not a real "rifle".
Sometimes when my head has a thought my mouth doesn't take a moment to clear the thought before I speak. This was one of those moments when I said, "huh, well, note to self, if I ever decide to go on a crime spree in Utah county I'll just keep running when the airsoft rifle is pointed at me because I know all I'm gonna get is a small plastic pellett to the ass, and Bradyn's been hit in the butt by one of those pellets, and it just left a mark for a few days." Papa Smurf ... not pleased... not happy ... not amused.
"Well, let's just let the boys work this out amongst themselves, I mean, if you and your husband just want to get him the $80 gun then that's fine with me and my wife." The what? Did I hear you correctly? The what? Brand new this "toy" was $50, before recall, 5 years ago. He repeated his $80 comment and said, "but if it's an issue of the money, then I mean you can just get the $50 rifle." Again, thoughts left the mouth. "It's NOT an issue of the cost, I assure you, we could buy Michael 20 airsfot rifles if we wanted to, it's the principle of the lesson being taught to these boys that I am worried about .. it was the terror Stevven exhibited at the thought of telling you the gun was broken that concerned me to suggest we could replace the toy if we needed to. He was terrified of your reaction ..." "Well, he should have been." I held it together, I wanted to waterboard him on the spot and ask him to apologize profoundly for being an ass, but somehowthat seems lillegal and there would then be air soft pelletts flying all over Utah County looking for me.
Papa Smurf decided to repeat lettign the boys work it out, and he put his ear bud back in. He took out his ear bud, "is Drew in scouts?" Uh, no, rainman, where did that come from? "Okay, well, I used to be the sscout leader (really, that inspires faith and hope that this douche bag was in charge of young minds) but it's someone new." I had it at this point. I looked at Michael, who had stood silent the whole conversation and said, "hey, send me the scout stuff okay, I'll call the guy if Drew's interested, oh, and come on by the house anytime, Drew would love to hang out."
I politely said goodbye, but Papa Smurf was already back with both ear buds in listening to what could only I think he was ticked for 2 reasons a) I have a uterus b) I'm a foot taller. This does not bode well for an individual sufering with "little man syndrome". People suffering with this syndrome usually drive big trucks with giant wheels and bumper stickers that say "no fat chicks". Probably because a fat chick would beat the hell out of them.
School starts August 23rd. Please pray Drew makes another friend. Papa's Smurf's behavior is not smurfy. His wife must be a gorilla judging from Michael's size. There is no way I could handle a friendship with a smurf and a gorilla.
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